White House Burning Down, Obama Responds
The President gave this speech about the White House fire disaster:
Good evening. As you know, the White House has been burning for 57 days, the number of states in which I campaigned. I plan to take immediate action to address this crisis. Here is what we must do.
- We will send lawyers to sue the builder and create an escrow fund of money I can redistribute to friends and potential voters
- We are going to invest taxpayer dollars and print money to fund alternative fire-resistant building materials
- We will create a Chop And Trade system, in which the price of wood will necessarily skyrocket
- I have appointed a Fire Czar
I have given the Fire Czar complete authority over managing this disaster, including the ability to deploy Navy corpse-men to help douse the fire, and he has instructions to call me on the golf course if he needs any advice.
Thank you, and good night.
When asked why the government rejected offers of water from Pakgen, Obama responded, “That water has impurities in it. We figure it’s better to let the White House burn until we can find cleaner water.”