Archive

Archive for the ‘Obama Speech’ Category

White House Burning Down, Obama Responds

June 16, 2010 2 comments

The President gave this speech about the White House fire disaster:

Good evening. As you know, the White House has been burning for 57 days, the number of states in which I campaigned. I plan to take immediate action to address this crisis. Here is what we must do.

  1. We will send lawyers to sue the builder and create an escrow fund of money I can redistribute to friends and potential voters
  2. We are going to invest taxpayer dollars and print money to fund alternative fire-resistant building materials
  3. We will create a Chop And Trade system, in which the price of wood will necessarily skyrocket
  4. I have appointed a Fire Czar

I have given the Fire Czar complete authority over managing this disaster, including the ability to deploy Navy corpse-men to help douse the fire, and he has instructions to call me on the golf course if he needs any advice.

Thank you, and good night.

When asked why the government rejected offers of water from Pakgen, Obama responded, “That water has impurities in it. We figure it’s better to let the White House burn until we can find cleaner water.”

Categories: Evil, Obama, Obama Speech

Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama

August 20, 2009 14 comments

Education Indoctrination Speech, Edited for the Sake of Brevity, Accuracy and Honesty

Arlington, Virginia
September 8, 2009

The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today?

Now, as is typical of all my speeches, my narcissism compels me to talk about myself for a while.  I was born in a manger. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money [insert heart-rending personal story text].

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility.

And I’ve talked ad nauseum on prime time TV when those stations could have been making money and helping the economy.

And I’ve talked. And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  Okay.  Move it up.  Okay.

But at the end of the day, I could still keep talking.

And that’s what I want to focus on today: Talking. About the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to me.

Every single one of you has something you’re good at, which could be exploited to serve me. That’s the opportunity a government education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good writer. Heaven knows I could use a good one, because I can’t write for shit.  Just ask Bill Ayers, who had to write one of my books for me.

Maybe you are even good enough to write a book or articles in a state run newspaper.

No matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. That’s why we control education. You are our captive audience.

And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation will be comprised of radicals and liberals who keep people like me in office.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help serve me.

Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. (But you can’t prove anything because I’ve locked up my school records.) I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother [insert heart-rending personal story text]

Some of you might not have those advantages. Some of you are not minorities like me who benefit from affirmative action.

But at the end of the day, I’m still talking.

That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, so shut up and get out of the way. There’s no excuse for not trying.  Look at me.  No, really, look at me.  I’m always trying.

Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. Here in America, we in the government write your destiny. We make your future. We decide what light bulbs you can use, what cars you can drive, what health care you can have, how much electricity you are allowed; we control your vertical, we control your horizontal.

Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas is on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.  Not like the woman we hired to show up at a town hall meeting who says she was a doctor but really wasn’t. But a real doctor.

I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. In the future, this will no longer be a problem. He’d be dead.  A three year old doesn’t meet our quality of life years health care requirements.

And then there’s Shantell Steve.  She started a program to keep young people out of gangs and get them into a real thug program like muscle for money at SEIU.

Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. You’re all peons. That’s why we have to redistribute wealth and benefits equally between all of you.

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work, but not everyone can benefit from affirmative action and playing the race card at every opportunity, like me.

The truth is, being successful is hard. So if you work really hard for your success, we’ll seize some of your rewards and give them to people who don’t work as hard.

Some of you probably won’t succeed.  That’s OK. That’s why we plan to take money from those who do succeed and give it to you.

Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. Just look at me.  No, really, look at me.  Everyone. Look at me.

No one’s born being good at things. You see, my science Czar doesn’t believe in genetic advantages. Regardless, things take experience practice. So you might have to do a few drafts of a paper before you realize you suck as a writer and then hire Bill Ayers to write your book for you.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. That’s how we identify the trouble makers and mark them for later re-education.

And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on serving me.

The story of America isn’t just about people who quit when things got tough and sit at home, drink beer and collect welfare. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved the state too much to do anything less than their best, so they can earn the money to pay for that welfare.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, although I don’t really know where you sat 250 years ago, since you weren’t around yet.  They went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. I’m here to undo all that, destroy their constitution and remake the nation in my image.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other. And boy does that grind my gears, since we can’t control that communications like we do the state run media.  But we’re working on it.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be to the state? What will a dictator who comes here in twenty [strike that, I’ll still be here] fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for me?

Your teachers, the teacher unions, and I are canceling voucher programs and doing everything we can to make sure you have no choice but to get the education the government determines that you need in order to answer these questions about how you will serve me. I’m working hard [insert heart-rending personal story text].

So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. Somebody has to pay for all my programs.

Thank you, Allah bless you, and God damn America.

Categories: Obama Speech