You Might Be A Liberal…

You Might Be A Liberal If…

• You think “free speech” means the government pays for it.
• You mock people for failing to live up to moral standards you don’t believe in.
  
• You think “free press” means the government pays for it – and you may soon be right.
• Your idea of a hard work day is having to walk to get your welfare check.
• Your executive task for the day was scoring a bag of weed.
• You heard someone use the term “welfare state” and then packed up to move there.
• The only job you had in the past five years involved the word “blow.”
• You think Sarah Palin is an irrelevant hick who doesn’t have a prayer of becoming president, therefore she must be destroyed at all costs.
  
• You go out of your way to nominate specifically a Latina, whose job it will be to enforce a constitution that prohibits job selection based on race.
• It’s more important to you to have a black president than a good one.
• You don’t think your daughter should be punished with a baby.
  
• You look at Michelle Obama and see Jackie O. instead of Lt. Worf.
• You are waiting for IDG to publish “Austrian for Dummies.”
• You have to attach signs to all your windows that say, “USE OTHER DOOR –>”
• You join a “Save the Polar Bears” protest after you have an abortion.
• You think people should say “hole of color” instead of “black hole.”
• You rent a Marx Brothers movie thinking you’re going to see Hugo, Castro, Zelayo and Obamo.
  
• The only job you ever gave anyone was in the back seat of a car.
• You hate coffee with cream but order it that way, anyway, in order to avoid having to say “black.”
• You don’t mind that your president hates his own country, because you do, too.
• You wear a purple shirt and yell, “HEIL ANDY!”
• You bow when you go into Burger King.
• You sing “I’m dreaming of an African-American Christmas.”
• You think homosexual sex is perfectly natural but eating a hamburger is immoral.
  
• You beat up a black guy selling “Don’t Tread On Me” flags at a town hall meeting, and then warn everyone about potential violence from right-wing extremists.
• The only part of “Spread The Wealth” you understand is “I Get Free Money.”
• You keep your food stamps under your iPhone next to your big screen TV.
• You were fooled by the name change from “Global Warming” to “Climate Change.”
• When a mass murderer yells “Allahu Akbar,” has contacts with Al Qaeda, has “Soldiers of Allah” on his business card and probably even has a “I’m a f*cking terrorist, moron” T-Shirt, you announce, “Let’s not jump to conclusions.”
• You’ve got your head so far up your ass that it pops back out through your neck.
• Your idea of a hardball question for Obama is “Are you divine, or are you merely magnificent?”
  
• Jon Stewart and Saturday Night Live are your primary sources for news.
• You’re so happy about the way Eric Holder treats our enemies that you want to be one.
• You fart in a crowded elevator and blame it on Bush.
• You think you are constitutionally protected from being offended.
• You mock beautiful conservative women and coincidentally happen to be a butch hag.
• You mock Sarah Palin for getting help with her book but don’t care if unrepentant terrorist Bill Ayers wrote Dreams From My Father for Obama.
• You think that people named “Herman” should change their name to “Person’sperson.”
• You support Islam but don’t know Sharia Law from Shania Twain.
• You dream of going down on Obama — and you’re a heterosexual guy.
• You are tolerant of all the diverse people who agree 100% with your Liberal ideology.
• You are getting your Chablis and snacks ready for the next Obama prime-time speech.
• You mock tea-party goers by calling them teabaggers, but you’re actually a real teabagger, yourself.
• You don’t know who the vice president is (see Steven Crowder’s video).
• It’s someone else’s fault that you never take personal responsibility.
• You think you can borrow your way out of debt.
• Your whole family for 7 generations voted for Obama. Three times.
  
• You think you can tax your way to a better economy.
• You think a messiah would actually need a teleprompter to speak coherently.
• You bought a breathalizer for your son’s asthma.
• You have such a swelled head that it takes two days for a suggestion to go in one ear and out the other.
• You inflated Obama’s “Jobs Created” numbers by adding in blow jobs.
• Your dog has a lawyer.
• You see the sign “FREE IRANIANS” and ask where you can get one.
• You think our secretary of defense is William Gates.
• You prefer the certainty of death in the womb over the risk of death fighting a war for our freedom.
• You had Tofurkey for Thanksgiving dinner.
• Your reaction to “hatemongers” like Rush and Beck is to destroy their careers and make their lives as miserable as possible.
  
• You smoke Marlboros but won’t take cold medicine because it’s “chemicals.”
• You believe in man-made global warming even if it’s not man-made. Or global. Or warming.
• You have nothing in common with undocumented workers because you’re documented and you don’t work.
• You think pirating cable, CDs, etc., is perfectly okay because those companies make so much money, anyway.
• You think of a thief as an “undocumented appropriations agent.”
• Your idea of a bad day is when the local grocer won’t take food stamps for your liquor.
• You think Grape Nuts is an STD.
• You needed Obama to tell you to wash your hands to avoid getting sick.
• You think the free world would be so much better off if everyone just lived exactly the way you believe they should live.
• You can’t read this because it’s not tiped n fonix.
• Your business card says, “Performing Artist Trainer, 13-yr olds a specialty.”
• You’re all Sham and no Wow.
• You have ACLU on speed dial.
• You’d rather see thousands of innocent Americans die than splash water on a terrorist.
• You have child protective services on speed dial – and you don’t have any kids.
  
• The unemployment rate doesn’t bother you because you don’t want a job anyway.
• You think there’s a big difference between a Che shirt and a Hitler shirt.
• You prefer Mao (who killed 70 million) over Hitler (who killed 7 million), perhaps because Hitler was an underachiever.
• You cavity-search the old blue-haired white lady at the airport instead of the Muslim chanting “death to america” because you don’t want to be accused of “profiling.”
• You sue your boss for religious harassment because he uses a Cross pen.
• You are an expert on the Bible and what Jesus would do, even though you never actually read it.
• You’re so far from the truth you can’t see it with the Hubble space telescope.
• You can’t enter a room with truth in it because you’d risk a matter-antimatter explosion.
• You know what Kwanzaa is.
• You wish someone would kill Rush and Beck because they spread hate.
• You brag about Cuba and Venezuela but won’t f*cking give us a break and move there.
• You believe in change but don’t think it applies to your underwear.
• You assign 11 journalists to fact check Sara Palin’s book, but assigned NONE to check out Obama’s life during the presidential campaign.
  
• You think wearing a ribbon helps cure AIDS.
• You are afraid to look at the NY Times best seller list.

Favorites seen on Twitter:

• You are alone in an elevator, fart, and still manage to blame it on Bush.
• Every card in your deck is a race card.
• You think the gun kills, not the person.
• You think criminals obey gun laws.

How Bad Is It?

The Obama economy is so bad…

• Creflo Dollar had to change his name to Creflo Quarter
• Politicians are offering layaway plans for bribes
• Dollar Stores now have signs that say, “Just Four Easy Payments of $0.25!”
• “Made in Taiwan” is now considered a designer label
• Everyone showed up to your Halloween party as a hobo – and they weren’t wearing costumes
• David Letterman had to write one of his own jokes
• They had to close the Starbucks across the street from the Starbucks
• Betty Crocker started a new product line called “Roadkill Helper”
• If you call in the next 10 minutes you get nothing extra, but you still have to pay additional shipping and handling
• When a woman says she’ll give you a blow job, your first thought is employment opportunity
• Lesbians are wearing flannel shirts — to keep warm
• We’re finally protecting our borders — to keep Americans from sneaking into Mexico
• J.C. Penney is now called J.C.I.O.U.
• I got a letter that says I’m pre-declined for a credit card
• CBS can only afford to film 20 minutes worth of 60 minutes
• The “Special” at my grocery store is “Buy One, Get One”
• eHarmony is allowing sheep to register for potential dates
• Police have to use prank hand buzzers instead of tasers (don’t hand-buzz me, bro)
• Joel Osteen is now preaching the Austerity Gospel
• I won’t take credit for writing these jokes without sufficient collateral

Stolen from Twitter…

• A picture is now only worth 200 words
• Kenya now claims Barack Obama wasn’t born there
• It only takes one lick to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop
• When I get a message from the bank about “insufficient funds” I wonder if it means me or them
• Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore
• Chicago politicians are laying off judges

They’re Soros and Barack

(To the tune of the “Pinky and the Brain” theme)

They’re Soros and Barack
George Soros and Barack
One is a traitor
The other’s a crock
They’re racist marxist scum
And teleprompter dumb
They’re Soros
George Soros and Barack rock rock rock
Rock rock rock rock
Rock.

Before these guys are done
They’ll take our rights away
By the setting of the sun
They’ll rule the USA

They’re Soros and Barack
George Soros and Barack
The reason we’re in shock
Is easy to unlock
We thought we got a Pres.
Instead we got Chavez
They’re Soros
George Soros and Barack rock rock rock
Rock rock rock rock
Rock.
Narf!

When You Wish to be a Czar

To the tune of “When you wish upon a star”

When you wish to be a Czar
Makes no difference who you are
Communist or total loon
We’ll hire you

Power, money is your dream
No position’s too extreme
When you wish to be a Czar
We’ll hire you

Obama’s kind
He hires those he loves

The sweet fulfillment of
His secret scheming

Like a bolt out of the blue
Valerie will push you through
When you wish to be a Czar
We’ll hire you

Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama

Education Indoctrination Speech, Edited for the Sake of Brevity, Accuracy and Honesty

Arlington, Virginia
September 8, 2009

The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today?

Now, as is typical of all my speeches, my narcissism compels me to talk about myself for a while.  I was born in a manger. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money [insert heart-rending personal story text].

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility.

And I’ve talked ad nauseum on prime time TV when those stations could have been making money and helping the economy.

And I’ve talked. And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  And I’ve talked.  Okay.  Move it up.  Okay.

But at the end of the day, I could still keep talking.

And that’s what I want to focus on today: Talking. About the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to me.

Every single one of you has something you’re good at, which could be exploited to serve me. That’s the opportunity a government education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good writer. Heaven knows I could use a good one, because I can’t write for shit.  Just ask Bill Ayers, who had to write one of my books for me.

Maybe you are even good enough to write a book or articles in a state run newspaper.

No matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. That’s why we control education. You are our captive audience.

And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation will be comprised of radicals and liberals who keep people like me in office.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help serve me.

Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. (But you can’t prove anything because I’ve locked up my school records.) I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother [insert heart-rending personal story text]

Some of you might not have those advantages. Some of you are not minorities like me who benefit from affirmative action.

But at the end of the day, I’m still talking.

That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, so shut up and get out of the way. There’s no excuse for not trying.  Look at me.  No, really, look at me.  I’m always trying.

Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. Here in America, we in the government write your destiny. We make your future. We decide what light bulbs you can use, what cars you can drive, what health care you can have, how much electricity you are allowed; we control your vertical, we control your horizontal.

Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas is on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.  Not like the woman we hired to show up at a town hall meeting who says she was a doctor but really wasn’t. But a real doctor.

I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. In the future, this will no longer be a problem. He’d be dead.  A three year old doesn’t meet our quality of life years health care requirements.

And then there’s Shantell Steve.  She started a program to keep young people out of gangs and get them into a real thug program like muscle for money at SEIU.

Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. You’re all peons. That’s why we have to redistribute wealth and benefits equally between all of you.

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work, but not everyone can benefit from affirmative action and playing the race card at every opportunity, like me.

The truth is, being successful is hard. So if you work really hard for your success, we’ll seize some of your rewards and give them to people who don’t work as hard.

Some of you probably won’t succeed.  That’s OK. That’s why we plan to take money from those who do succeed and give it to you.

Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. Just look at me.  No, really, look at me.  Everyone. Look at me.

No one’s born being good at things. You see, my science Czar doesn’t believe in genetic advantages. Regardless, things take experience practice. So you might have to do a few drafts of a paper before you realize you suck as a writer and then hire Bill Ayers to write your book for you.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. That’s how we identify the trouble makers and mark them for later re-education.

And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on serving me.

The story of America isn’t just about people who quit when things got tough and sit at home, drink beer and collect welfare. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved the state too much to do anything less than their best, so they can earn the money to pay for that welfare.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, although I don’t really know where you sat 250 years ago, since you weren’t around yet.  They went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. I’m here to undo all that, destroy their constitution and remake the nation in my image.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other. And boy does that grind my gears, since we can’t control that communications like we do the state run media.  But we’re working on it.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be to the state? What will a dictator who comes here in twenty [strike that, I'll still be here] fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for me?

Your teachers, the teacher unions, and I are canceling voucher programs and doing everything we can to make sure you have no choice but to get the education the government determines that you need in order to answer these questions about how you will serve me. I’m working hard [insert heart-rending personal story text].

So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. Somebody has to pay for all my programs.

Thank you, Allah bless you, and God damn America.