NASA Discovers Another More Frightening Form of Life

December 3, 2010 Leave a comment

NASA officials said they found a previously undiscovered form of life that can exist in an environment which is considered uninhabitable. The newly discovered life form has been dubbed strain TPART-E of the family of Gammaproteoconsertivia.

“Big government, wealth redistribution, academic elitism and the inability to count are the six basic building blocks of all known life forms on Earth,” said Ed Weiner, NASA’s associate administrator for the National Non-Aeronautic Non-Space Non-Science Mission Directorate at the National Aeronautic Space Administration the agency’s headquarters in Washington. Yet when researchers removed these factors, these newly discovered life forms not only continued to grow, they actually thrived.

“The definition of life has just expanded,” Weiner says. “As we pursue our efforts to seek signs of life in the solar system, we have to think more broadly, more diversely and consider life as we do not know it. And this is a form of life we know nothing about. And quite frankly, we’re not inclined to learn any more about it.”

Felisa Wolfe-Woofer, NASA non-astro astrobiology research fellow in residence at the US Geological Survey and lead scientist on the research team, said the discovery “cracked open the door to what’s possible for life elsewhere in the universe. And this is a door we must shut before it gets out of hand.”

It is bloody unlikely the recent discovery will force textbooks to be changed.

Prof Angela Davies, a cosmetologist at Arizona State University and an author on the latest research, says, “This organism has dual capability – it can grow with or without government taxes and regulations, and actually seems to do better in an environment with lower taxes, smaller government and fewer regulations. That makes it very peculiar, though it falls short of being some form of truly ‘alien’ life belonging to a different tree of life with a separate origin. However, TPART-E may be a pointer to even weirder organisms. The thought is frightening beyond belief.”

Categories: Liberals, Nonsense

The TSA is a Joke

November 24, 2010 Leave a comment

“What are you looking for?”
“My keys.”
“Where did you lose them?”
“In the driveway.”
“Then why are you looking in the yard?”
“The light is better over here.”

————

“What are you looking for?”
“Explosives.”
“Where would you find them?”
“On Muslim terrorists.”
“Then why are you patting down the 3 year old girl from a middle American Christian family?”
“The political correctness is better over here.”

Categories: Uncategorized

White House Burning Down, Obama Responds

June 16, 2010 2 comments

The President gave this speech about the White House fire disaster:

Good evening. As you know, the White House has been burning for 57 days, the number of states in which I campaigned. I plan to take immediate action to address this crisis. Here is what we must do.

  1. We will send lawyers to sue the builder and create an escrow fund of money I can redistribute to friends and potential voters
  2. We are going to invest taxpayer dollars and print money to fund alternative fire-resistant building materials
  3. We will create a Chop And Trade system, in which the price of wood will necessarily skyrocket
  4. I have appointed a Fire Czar

I have given the Fire Czar complete authority over managing this disaster, including the ability to deploy Navy corpse-men to help douse the fire, and he has instructions to call me on the golf course if he needs any advice.

Thank you, and good night.

When asked why the government rejected offers of water from Pakgen, Obama responded, “That water has impurities in it. We figure it’s better to let the White House burn until we can find cleaner water.”

Categories: Evil, Obama, Obama Speech

To the tune of Car 54 Where Are You?

June 14, 2010 Leave a comment

There’s Al Qaeda in the Bronx
Iran’s itching for a fight
Holder’s selling guns to crime lords
Business closings left and right
OWS cries like a child
And our debt is running wild
Barry Hussein, Where Are You?

Starring Barry “The Golfing Vacationer” Obama as Muldoon, and Joe “Plugs” Biden.

Plugs: Ooh! Ooh! That’s a big f**king deal!

Categories: Evil, Obama, Song

Why Obama enjoys his incompetence

June 5, 2010 Leave a comment

Have you ever wondered why Obama never changes his behavior no matter what the friendly or unfriendly press says about him? Have you ever wondered why Obama seems like he’s totally unconcerned about his re-election chances?

What is is that Obama measures as success? Obama is out to create a massive crisis so that he can use the crisis to reshape the USA into his Marxist utopia. This plan presents a unique scenario for a president. It allows him to do anything he feels like doing with no perceptible consequences.

Consider this: If his goal is to create a huge national crisis, then here are the possible outcomes, and what it means to his behavior:

Outcome A: Success. The primary goal is to create a crisis that allows him to destroy capitalism and reshape the USA into what he believes will be a Marxist utopia, where there are two classes — the elite ruling class, and the working class. The ideal goal is to create a crisis big enough so that he not only gets to reshape the USA, he can declare himself the president indefinitely, thus eliminating his risk of losing the next election. Failing that, at least exploit or create a lot of little crises to leverage a series of power grabs.

This explains his behavior, his extravagance, and his total lack of competent leadership. All the golfing, partying, traveling, mishandling and ignoring all of the real problems such as unemployment, national security, etc., contributes to the success of his plan. He spends too much money on personal luxury? So what? It agitates the people and increases the debt crisis. He doesn’t help clean up the oil spill? So what? He can use the disaster as an excuse to grab more power, possibly even seizing control of energy providers. He doesn’t want to secure the border, prevent terrorist attacks, improve the economy, lower unemployment? So what? Fixing these things would be counterproductive to his goal of creating countless little crises or, ideally, a national crisis.

Outcome B: Failure. The constitution remains intact but the USA is severely damaged, probably for decades. Obama loses the next election. Liberals/progressives lose the balance of power, and it is up to their replacements to try and reverse some of the damage.

So how would this motivate him to behave differently than he is behaving now? It wouldn’t. If he fails to create a big enough crisis to succeed, why not just live it up until 2012 or perhaps even 2016, if he can hold on that long? Golf, go to parties, travel the world, ignore the problems facing the USA — who cares? Get it all while the gettin’s good because he won’t have it anymore after his term is over. And it’s not like he gives a rat’s a** about the fate of America, anyway, so there’s no point in doing good just to get some of his progressive friends re-elected or please the people with whom he disagrees. America is the evil force in the world, so it deserves whatever damage he does to it.

Obama is driven by pure malignant narcissism. Take over the country, that’s ideal. Lose the country but live it up for a few years? That’s an acceptable trade-off. He has no consideration whatsoever about anyone else.

Categories: Evil, Obama

Why Obama Must Nominate a Muslim Asian Ladyboy for SCOTUS

April 26, 2010 Leave a comment

I have an idea for the perfect Supreme Court nominee. First, let’s take a look at the Laws governing the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

I. What Are the Federal Laws Prohibiting Job Discrimination?

  • Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (Title VII), which prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin.

Discriminatory Practices

II. What Discriminatory Practices Are Prohibited by These Laws?

Under Title VII, the ADA, GINA, and the ADEA, it is illegal to discriminate in any aspect of employment, including:

  • hiring and firing.

These are not trivial laws. The 19th Amendment to the Constitution (Women’s Suffrage) exists because of the assumption of equality, which is reflected in these EEOC federal laws.  Therefore, whomever you nominate to the Supreme Court will have to enforce this rule of law in discrimination cases that rise to the level of the Supreme Court.

My Recommendation

After having given this a considerable amount of thought, Mr. President, I suggest you nominate a Muslim Asian Ladyboy (a.k.a. “shemale”).  Here is my reasoning for this selection:

  • The Muslim part is something you can’t resist. You’re madly in love with them. Speaking of love, I’m thinking you probably swing that way, so just think of the secret meetings you could have, wink wink, nudge nudge.
  • An Asian ladyboy is, well, Asian, of course.  Currently, Asians are not represented on the Supreme Court. Not to mention that Asians make the hottest looking ladyboys.
  • Asians have a skin color that is unlike anyone’s skin color currently on the supreme court.
  • A ladyboy is a woman, sort of, which adds another woman to the Supreme Court.

It is important to find a ladyboy/shemale who enjoys sex with both men and women.  Why?

  • Since a ladyboy is born a man, sex with another man makes the ladyboy gay.
  • Sex with another woman makes the ladyboy a lesbian of sorts.
  • Having sex with both men and women makes him/her bisexual.
  • Ladyboys/shemales are by definition transexuals.

A bi-sexual ladyboy is a virtual cornucopia of sexual diversity.  He/she represents every shade in the LGBT spectrum.

Conclusion

It is clear that the minority best equipped to understand the evils of job discrimination is someone who encompasses as much diversity as possible. A Muslim, Asian, Bi-sexual Shemale represents a minority of race, color, religion, sex and national origin that does not currently exist on the court.

Therefore, I urge you, Mr. President, in the interest of fair hiring practices and non-discrimination, to avoid selecting anyone but a Muslim, Asian, yellow-skinned bi-sexual ladyboy, regardless of he/her qualifications as a judge.  It is a bold step toward social justice.

Categories: Liberals, Obama

You Might Be A Progressive…

November 29, 2009 1 comment

You Might Be A Progressive If…

  • You mock people for failing to live up to moral standards you don’t believe in.
  • You think “free press” means the government pays for it – and you may soon be right.
  • You believe dissent was patriotic until Obama was elected, after which dissent became racist.
  • Your idea of a hard work day is having to walk to get your welfare check.
  • Your executive task for the day was scoring a bag of weed.
  • You want to know which of the 57 states is “The Welfare State” so you can move there.
  • The only job you had in the past five years involved the word “blow.”
  • You think Sarah Palin is an irrelevant hick who doesn’t have a prayer of becoming president, therefore she must be destroyed at all costs.
  • You go out of your way to nominate specifically a Latina, whose job it will be to enforce a constitution that prohibits job selection based on race.
  • It’s more important to you to have a black president than a good one.
  • You don’t think your daughter should be punished with a baby.
  • You look at Michelle Obama and see Jackie O. instead of Lt. Worf.
  • You are waiting for IDG to publish “Austrian for Dummies.”
  • You have to attach signs to all your windows that say, “USE OTHER DOOR –>”
  • You join a “Save the Polar Bears” protest after you have an abortion.
  • You think people should say “hole of color” instead of “black hole.”
  • You think “free speech” means the government pays for it.
  • You rent a Marx Brothers movie thinking you’re going to see Hugo, Castro, Zelayo and Obamo.
  • The only job you ever gave anyone was in the back seat of a car.
  • You hate coffee with cream but order it that way, anyway, in order to avoid having to say “black.”
  • You don’t mind that your president hates his own country, because you do, too.
  • You wear a purple shirt and yell, “HEIL ANDY!”
  • You bow when you go into Burger King.
  • You sing “I’m dreaming of an African-American Christmas.”
  • You think homosexual sex is perfectly natural but eating a hamburger is immoral.
  • You beat up a black guy selling “Don’t Tread On Me” flags at a town hall meeting, and then warn everyone about potential violence from right-wing extremists.
  • The only part of “Spread The Wealth” you understand is “I Get Free Money.”
  • You keep your food stamps under your iPhone next to your big screen TV.
  • You were fooled by the name change from “Global Warming” to “Climate Change.”
  • When a mass murderer yells “Allahu Akbar,” has contacts with Al Qaeda, has “Soldiers of Allah” on his business card and probably even has a “I’m a f*cking terrorist, moron” T-Shirt, you announce, “Let’s not jump to conclusions.”
  • You’ve got your head so far up your ass that it pops back out through your neck.
  • Your idea of a hardball question for Obama is “Are you divine, or are you merely magnificent?”
  • Jon Stewart and Saturday Night Live are your primary sources for news.
  • You’re so happy about the way Eric Holder treats our enemies that you want to be one.
  • You fart in a crowded elevator and blame it on Bush.
  • You think you are constitutionally protected from being offended.
  • You mock beautiful conservative women and coincidentally happen to be a butch hag.
  • You mock Sarah Palin for getting help with her book but don’t care if unrepentant terrorist Bill Ayers wrote Dreams From My Father for Obama.
  • You think that people named “Herman” should change their name to “Person’sperson.”
  • You support Islam but don’t know Sharia Law from Shania Twain.
  • You dream of going down on Obama — and you’re a heterosexual guy.
  • You are tolerant of all the diverse people who agree 100% with your Liberal ideology.
  • You are getting your Chablis and snacks ready for the next Obama prime-time speech.
  • You mock tea-party goers by calling them teabaggers, but you’re actually a real teabagger, yourself.
  • You don’t know who the vice president is (see Steven Crowder’s video).
  • It’s someone else’s fault that you never take personal responsibility.
  • You think you can borrow your way out of debt.
  • Your whole family for 7 generations voted for Obama. Three times.
  • You think you can tax your way to a better economy.
  • You think a messiah would actually need a teleprompter to speak coherently.
  • You bought a breathalizer for your son’s asthma.
  • You have such a swelled head that it takes two days for a suggestion to go in one ear and out the other.
  • You inflated Obama’s “Jobs Created” numbers by adding in blow jobs.
  • Your dog has a lawyer.
  • You see the sign “FREE IRANIANS” and ask where you can get one.
  • You think our secretary of defense is William Gates.
  • You prefer the certainty of death in the womb over the risk of death fighting a war for our freedom.
  • You had Tofurkey for Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Your reaction to “hatemongers” like Rush and Beck is to destroy their careers and make their lives as miserable as possible.
  • You smoke Marlboros but won’t take cold medicine because it’s “chemicals.”
  • You believe in man-made global warming even if it’s not man-made. Or global. Or warming.
  • You have nothing in common with undocumented workers because you’re documented and you don’t work.
  • You think pirating cable, CDs, etc., is perfectly okay because those companies make so much money, anyway.
  • You think of a thief as an “undocumented appropriations agent.”
  • Your idea of a bad day is when the local grocer won’t take food stamps for your liquor.
  • You think Grape Nuts is an STD.
  • You needed Obama to tell you to wash your hands to avoid getting sick.
  • You think the free world would be so much better off if everyone just lived exactly the way you believe they should live.
  • You can’t read this because it’s not tiped n fonix.
  • Your business card says, “Performing Artist Trainer, 13-yr olds a specialty.”
  • You’re all Sham and no Wow.
  • You have ACLU on speed dial.
  • You’d rather see thousands of innocent Americans die than splash water on a terrorist.
  • You have child protective services on speed dial – and you don’t have any kids.
  • The unemployment rate doesn’t bother you because you don’t want a job anyway.
  • You think there’s a big difference between a Che shirt and a Hitler shirt.
  • You prefer Mao (who killed 70 million) over Hitler (who killed 7 million), perhaps because Hitler was an underachiever.
  • You cavity-search the old blue-haired white lady at the airport instead of the Muslim chanting “death to america” because you don’t want to be accused of “profiling.”
  • You sue your boss for religious harassment because he uses a Cross pen.
  • You are an expert on the Bible and what Jesus would do, even though you never actually read it.
  • You’re so far from the truth you can’t see it with the Hubble space telescope.
  • You can’t enter a room with truth in it because you’d risk a matter-antimatter explosion.
  • You know what Kwanzaa is.
  • You wish someone would kill Rush and Beck because they spread hate.
  • You brag about Cuba and Venezuela but won’t f*cking give us a break and move there.
  • You believe in change but don’t think it applies to your underwear.
  • You assign 11 journalists to fact check Sara Palin’s book, but assigned NONE to check out Obama’s life during the presidential campaign.
  • You think wearing a ribbon helps cure AIDS.
  • You are afraid to look at the NY Times best seller list.

Favorites seen on Twitter:

  • You are alone in an elevator, fart, and still manage to blame it on Bush.
  • Every card in your deck is a race card.
  • You think the gun kills, not the person.
  • You think criminals obey gun laws.

Categories: Liberals, Obama
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